K and I went down to the beach in Belmar one Saturday during a summer when my sister had a share house there. The day turned overcast, so instead of lying on the beach all day like we'd plannned, we headed to happy hour at D'Jais. After a few casual drinks outside, we moved inside for the happy hour specials that started. That's when things escalated quickly. The bartender kept chatting with us, giving us shots we couldn't refuse. By the time HH ended, we were three sheets to the wind, but headed to my sister’s house. We attempted to freshen up a bit while pregaming for another house party we planned to attend in another town. A few people we knew from high school would be there, including one really cute guy in particular, J. Our cab came to take us there, and then we drank, danced, and mingled the night away. I spent the majority of the night hanging out with J, and decided to stay at the party after my girlfriends left.
Cut to J and I waking up in the basement the following morning. Nothing serious happened, but there I was with this cute guy, yesterday's eyeliner down to my chin (or so I imagined), and no immediate escape back to my sister's house. After a trip from the basement to the bathroom, the mirror calmed any eyeliner fears, and I realized I was still fairly presentable (#winning). J and I hung out with the guys there for a few hours that morning, cleaning up the wounded soldiers and pizza crusts left from the party. Around noon, J FINALLY drove me back to my sister’s house. I was starving. I needed to fill the girls in on my night with J, and my stomach.
The girls were on the beach, so I went to meet them there. Much to my dismay, they'd already made a trip to Dunkin' hours earlier. We decided to go to the Parker House for their $10 Sunday lobster deal, and a little Sunday Funday action. We got to the Parker house around 1PM. The Parker House is one of those places with several bar areas, along with a main restaurant area. I walk up the steps to the main hostess stand, and ask the hostess if I can get their lobster deal there. She told me I had to go around to the back bar. I walk through the back entrance toward the bathroom, and ask the first bartender I see if this is where I can get a lobster. He told me that deal was only downstairs, so I go downstairs to that bar. Apparently I went too far downstairs, because after asking another person for a lobster, they sent me up one more flight to the packed bar area on the porch outside. I finally push through the crowd to get to the bar outside, and for the fourth time, I ask a Parker House employee, "Can I have a lobster?" Finally, my lobster order was placed in the right spot. It took another 10 minutes or so to get the lobster. Once I had the lobster in hand, I obviously had to crack the f*cking thing open to get any substantial food. I was so hungry, I walked back up to the saint who finally served me my lobster to ask if I could PLEASE have a piece of bread or something to go with it. He offered me a hamburger bun which I quickly split in two and dunked into the butter.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
America runs [from?] Dunkin'
During the time that my sister and I lived at home again after college, we took a late-night trip to Dunkin' Donuts after driving around the neighborhood (not low, as she would say). There were only about three people in line, and the older man directly in front of us was wearing a white T-shirt, jeans, a baseball cap, and had a holster on his hip with a gun in it. Not exactly the typical clientele for a Dunkin' Donuts in the middle of a highway in New Jersey. While the man didn't immediately seem like a threat, I didn't want to turn around and leave, fearing our departure would somehow set him off.
I patiently waited for my turn to order my strawberry frosted doughnut with rainbow sprinkles, avoiding any and all eye contact with my sister, knowing it would turn into a giggle fest. My sister kept trying to get my attention, but I stared straight ahead. Suddenly, my phone alerted me that I had a text message.
"Oh, a text message," I said aloud.
Glancing down at my phone, I saw this:
Sister: This man has a gun.
I busted out laughing once I saw Captain Obvious's matter-of-fact text message, and I tried to keep it as quiet as possible. OF COURSE I noticed the gun. It's not every day that you're in line at Dunkin' Donuts with a man that's packing heat proudly on his hip. This wasn't Texas. Luckily, the man already ordered at that point, and I was pretty sure we were in the clear. Once we got back to the car, we laughed uncontrollably, and to this day wonder why the man brought his gun on his Dunkin' run.
I patiently waited for my turn to order my strawberry frosted doughnut with rainbow sprinkles, avoiding any and all eye contact with my sister, knowing it would turn into a giggle fest. My sister kept trying to get my attention, but I stared straight ahead. Suddenly, my phone alerted me that I had a text message.
"Oh, a text message," I said aloud.
Glancing down at my phone, I saw this:
Sister: This man has a gun.
I busted out laughing once I saw Captain Obvious's matter-of-fact text message, and I tried to keep it as quiet as possible. OF COURSE I noticed the gun. It's not every day that you're in line at Dunkin' Donuts with a man that's packing heat proudly on his hip. This wasn't Texas. Luckily, the man already ordered at that point, and I was pretty sure we were in the clear. Once we got back to the car, we laughed uncontrollably, and to this day wonder why the man brought his gun on his Dunkin' run.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
CC:
Changing roles within my company provided ample downtime as my new team deciphered exactly what my new responsibilities would be. Summer also slowed productivity in the office in general, and one morning, I spent my downtime e-mailing with one of my girlfriends, L. Because I was still with the same company, the few phone calls I received were related to my previous role. One of these phone calls came in, so as per usual, I pulled up my old colleague Jim's Outlook details in an open e-mail to find his extension, then transferred the call to him. I continued tackling the personal e-mails in my Inbox, and my heart sank when I saw an e-mail from said friend:
L: it says u sent the last email to a man named jim. just as a heads up...
My heart pounded harder than my face burned as I jumped to my Sent items to pull up the most recently sent e-mail.
In my haste to transfer the call to Jim, and return to my busy day, I accidentally CC'ed him on my e-mail with L.
Here's the email I sent when Jim was first included:
Me: yeah, i just took a look at the menu. seems a little limited, and i have no idea what i'll get yet. maybe they'll have a good special or something. [my friend]'s already planning on trying to get pregnant right after they get married. i was watching part of la shrinks on monday, and they were telling the girl who's thinking about getting pregnant that her ovaries are asleep or something from being on the pill for so long. i'm really glad i already decided to stop it last year, and obviously hope i won't have any issues when i eventually want to be pregnant one day.
Upon realizing the horror of Jim reading the content of my e-mail, I immediately IMed him to apologize.
Me: Omg, I obviously did not mean to include you on my e-mail with my friend about pimples and pregnancy.
Jim: LOL! I was a little confused when I first started reading it! Sorry to hear about that pimple ;)
Me: Hahah I am so embarrassed! I looked up your number when the client called, and forgot to remove you!
Jim: LOL No biggie!
We chatted a little longer, and luckily, Jim and I were close enough where I wasn't completely mortified. The situation could have been a lot worse if I included someone I didn't know as well as I knew Jim.
Here's the full e-mail chain (names and email addresses removed, otherwise unedited), from the beginning, for your viewing pleasure:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [Me]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 9:49 AM
To: [L]
Subject:
i have a pimple developing in the inside of my right nostril. it's so painful, and at the point where i can't do anything about it yet. at least it's finally wednesday.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [L]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 9:53 AM
To: [Me]
Subject: Re:
oh my god that's literally the most painful spot. it happens to me once every 6 months or so. sometimes i get this monstrous head under the skin of my chin too that i don't fully understand. [my boyfriend] and i call it "the horn" and it's huge and painful, and a pimple never surfaces. [our friend]'s going to [your sister]'s friday and [your sister] is going to keep it alcohol free to avoid any awkwardness. too bad the same cant be said for sat, as i am 100% enjoying some cocktails.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [Me]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:01 AM
To: [L]
Subject:
yeah i think it's because my allergies have been acting up lately. hahaha i've gotten ones like that before that just like ooze if i try to do anything about them. so annoying. yeah, [my sister] just told me before that [our friend]'s going to go there. umm yes saturday i will be enjoying plenty of cocktails. wait, do we have an actual res yet? yes, it should be at least thursday by now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [L]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:23 AM
To: [Me]
Subject: Re:
im so hungry today, again wtf. yea i think u said jus made a reso for 845?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [Me]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:30 AM
To: [L]
Subject:
yeah, i just double checked with [my sister]. i can't remember if she said she was going to, and [our friend] said she was going to check or whatever. i've heard of some women that stop drinking and avoid stuff that you have to when you're pregnant in preparation of trying to get pregnant. just saying because this thought came to me just now. can we get to dinner and order drinks already???
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [L]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:34 AM
To: [Me]
Subject: Re:
hm, good point. still think she is though for some reason. i wish she could drink hahaha clearly, im not ready for that responsibility. i looked at the menu and think the sandwich is screaming out to me more so than the main entrees.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [Me]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:47 AM
To: [L]
Subject:
yeah, i just took a look at the menu. seems a little limited, and i have no idea what i'll get yet. maybe they'll have a good special or something. [my friend]'s already planning on trying to get pregnant right after they get married. i was watching part of la shrinks on monday, and they were telling the girl who's thinking about getting pregnant that her ovaries are asleep or something from being on the pill for so long. i'm really glad i already decided to stop it last year, and obviously hope i won't have any issues when i eventually want to be pregnant one day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [L]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:50 AM
To: [Me]
Subject: Re:
it says u sent the last email to a man named jim. just as a heads up...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [L]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:52 AM
To: [Me]
Subject: Re:
i hope he deletes it bc that might be worse than when i instant messaged my coworker about the situation in the womans bathroom...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thinking about Jim reading the e-mail assuming he was the intended recipient caused endless laughter throughout the day, and L and I continued to talk about how hilarious it was. I worked in a very quiet room, and initially had to leave my desk because I was laughing uncontrollably. It was like trying to stifle a laugh in church or any other serious situation that requires silence. I thought I'd gotten control of myself later that afternoon, so I took a sip of water near our Guest Relations area, but the mental image of Jim reading the e-mail popped back into my head, causing me to spit the water on the floor. Since then, I try my best to double check who is included on any and all e-mails. I encourage you to continue to do the same.
Updates associated with this e-mail conversation:
We were debating whether or not our friend who married her husband a year earlier was pregnant. I am happy to report she is now the proud mother of an absolutely adorable baby boy. Seems the speculation was correct!
As far as I know, L's horn has not made an appearance since this conversation, but she lives in fear of it resurfacing. Luckily, her affinity toward face masques and cleanliness in general keeps it at bay.
My pimple eventually went away, with several more along the way, and all of my e-mails since then reached the intended recipients. Fingers crossed it stays that way.
L: it says u sent the last email to a man named jim. just as a heads up...
My heart pounded harder than my face burned as I jumped to my Sent items to pull up the most recently sent e-mail.
In my haste to transfer the call to Jim, and return to my busy day, I accidentally CC'ed him on my e-mail with L.
Here's the email I sent when Jim was first included:
Me: yeah, i just took a look at the menu. seems a little limited, and i have no idea what i'll get yet. maybe they'll have a good special or something. [my friend]'s already planning on trying to get pregnant right after they get married. i was watching part of la shrinks on monday, and they were telling the girl who's thinking about getting pregnant that her ovaries are asleep or something from being on the pill for so long. i'm really glad i already decided to stop it last year, and obviously hope i won't have any issues when i eventually want to be pregnant one day.
Upon realizing the horror of Jim reading the content of my e-mail, I immediately IMed him to apologize.
Me: Omg, I obviously did not mean to include you on my e-mail with my friend about pimples and pregnancy.
Jim: LOL! I was a little confused when I first started reading it! Sorry to hear about that pimple ;)
Me: Hahah I am so embarrassed! I looked up your number when the client called, and forgot to remove you!
Jim: LOL No biggie!
We chatted a little longer, and luckily, Jim and I were close enough where I wasn't completely mortified. The situation could have been a lot worse if I included someone I didn't know as well as I knew Jim.
Here's the full e-mail chain (names and email addresses removed, otherwise unedited), from the beginning, for your viewing pleasure:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [Me]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 9:49 AM
To: [L]
Subject:
i have a pimple developing in the inside of my right nostril. it's so painful, and at the point where i can't do anything about it yet. at least it's finally wednesday.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [L]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 9:53 AM
To: [Me]
Subject: Re:
oh my god that's literally the most painful spot. it happens to me once every 6 months or so. sometimes i get this monstrous head under the skin of my chin too that i don't fully understand. [my boyfriend] and i call it "the horn" and it's huge and painful, and a pimple never surfaces. [our friend]'s going to [your sister]'s friday and [your sister] is going to keep it alcohol free to avoid any awkwardness. too bad the same cant be said for sat, as i am 100% enjoying some cocktails.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [Me]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:01 AM
To: [L]
Subject:
yeah i think it's because my allergies have been acting up lately. hahaha i've gotten ones like that before that just like ooze if i try to do anything about them. so annoying. yeah, [my sister] just told me before that [our friend]'s going to go there. umm yes saturday i will be enjoying plenty of cocktails. wait, do we have an actual res yet? yes, it should be at least thursday by now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [L]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:23 AM
To: [Me]
Subject: Re:
im so hungry today, again wtf. yea i think u said jus made a reso for 845?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [Me]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:30 AM
To: [L]
Subject:
yeah, i just double checked with [my sister]. i can't remember if she said she was going to, and [our friend] said she was going to check or whatever. i've heard of some women that stop drinking and avoid stuff that you have to when you're pregnant in preparation of trying to get pregnant. just saying because this thought came to me just now. can we get to dinner and order drinks already???
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [L]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:34 AM
To: [Me]
Subject: Re:
hm, good point. still think she is though for some reason. i wish she could drink hahaha clearly, im not ready for that responsibility. i looked at the menu and think the sandwich is screaming out to me more so than the main entrees.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [Me]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:47 AM
To: [L]
Subject:
yeah, i just took a look at the menu. seems a little limited, and i have no idea what i'll get yet. maybe they'll have a good special or something. [my friend]'s already planning on trying to get pregnant right after they get married. i was watching part of la shrinks on monday, and they were telling the girl who's thinking about getting pregnant that her ovaries are asleep or something from being on the pill for so long. i'm really glad i already decided to stop it last year, and obviously hope i won't have any issues when i eventually want to be pregnant one day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [L]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:50 AM
To: [Me]
Subject: Re:
it says u sent the last email to a man named jim. just as a heads up...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [L]
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2013 10:52 AM
To: [Me]
Subject: Re:
i hope he deletes it bc that might be worse than when i instant messaged my coworker about the situation in the womans bathroom...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thinking about Jim reading the e-mail assuming he was the intended recipient caused endless laughter throughout the day, and L and I continued to talk about how hilarious it was. I worked in a very quiet room, and initially had to leave my desk because I was laughing uncontrollably. It was like trying to stifle a laugh in church or any other serious situation that requires silence. I thought I'd gotten control of myself later that afternoon, so I took a sip of water near our Guest Relations area, but the mental image of Jim reading the e-mail popped back into my head, causing me to spit the water on the floor. Since then, I try my best to double check who is included on any and all e-mails. I encourage you to continue to do the same.
Updates associated with this e-mail conversation:
We were debating whether or not our friend who married her husband a year earlier was pregnant. I am happy to report she is now the proud mother of an absolutely adorable baby boy. Seems the speculation was correct!
As far as I know, L's horn has not made an appearance since this conversation, but she lives in fear of it resurfacing. Luckily, her affinity toward face masques and cleanliness in general keeps it at bay.
My pimple eventually went away, with several more along the way, and all of my e-mails since then reached the intended recipients. Fingers crossed it stays that way.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tinder Andrew
After six months of disappointing dates complicated by my struggle to get over an ex, I decided it was time to test the waters of the online dating world -- a mysterious realm I never dove into before, and honestly, thought was below me. Robert Allen said, "Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone," and for all I knew, my future significant other was anxiously awaiting my interweb dating premiere on the other side of my online dating profile. It was time to get out of my own way. I decided that eHarmony was probably the best place to start because, as one of the commercials says, I was seeking better quality dates here. (I also figured that if people paid to participate, there was a better chance that they took the dates more seriously.)
Within hours of creating my eHarmony profile, I received a call from an old coworker asking me to come as his guest to an engagement party. It seemed that once I posted my information online, the universe knew I was ready to get back out there, even if that meant just attending an engagement party with a friend. He and I always shared dating stories when we worked together, so when we made our way to the engagement party the following week, I confessed that I signed up for eHarmony. That's when he introduced me to this great new dating app he was using: Tinder. Great, I thought, I just signed up for three months of eHarmony, and NOW I hear about this awesome, free dating app. Sweet. I decided that since I was already in the online dating world at this point (albeit a few days), I should give Tinder a whirl as well. Nothing to lose!
That ish is addicting. As if dating itself wasn't a game before Tinder, the app really brought it to another level. I found myself swiping my days away, and chatting with the guys who reached out to me. Before I knew it, I was heading to the bar to meet my first Tinder date. Not much significant to report for this one. We had a few drinks, and went for dinner in the West Village. While it was a fun night out, there was no chemistry there. He walked me to my subway stop, and we didn't speak much after that.
With my first online dating experience under my belt, I was ready for more. This leads us to the tale of Tinder Andrew (more on this nickname later).
I met Tinder Andrew, shockingly, through Tinder shortly after downloading the app that summer. Our conversations in the app's chat pleasantly surprised me, so we exchanged numbers, then started to make plans to meet. I told him I had prior dinner plans with two of my girlfriends one night, but that we could grab drinks before I met them. He agreed, so we met once I left work.
We hit it off right away. He was a former Marine, and shared the same hometown and birthday with my dad, so this provided ample conversation topics. Before I knew it, I was running late for dinner, and he was trying to hail me a cab. This task proved to be difficult, so he suggested walking toward 6th Avenue to see if there were more cabs there. As we were walking, he grabbed my hand, spun me toward him, and planted one right on my lips. This surprisingly smooth move impressed me, and I gabbed to my friends about him and the date once I got to the restaurant.
He texted me for the rest of the night, and wanted to meet again soon. He was in town visiting his brothers who lived in the city, and was returning to Buffalo at the end of that weekend. I planned to go to my parents' house that weekend, but said I could see him again before I hopped on the train.
Friday came, and we planned to meet at a bar near Penn Station. I didn't see him, so I texted him to let him know I was there. He explained to me that he was running late after a late lunch with his brother downtown, and would be there shortly. I told him not to worry about it, and to take his time. When I said that, I didn't realize that this would result in me waiting at the bar for him for close to 45 minutes. Everyone runs a little late at some point or another, but this was extreme. NYC is not THAT big. I bonded with my fellow bar patrons and the newspaper in front of me as I awaited his arrival, but each passing minute tarnished the great impression lingering from the previous night. Right when I started to accept being stood up, he FINALLY strolled through the door.
He apologized profusely, ordered a beer, and we began chatting. Yet again, our conversation made time fly by exponentially faster than the first 45 minutes I spent in the bar. I told him that I should probably head to the train station soon. A very serious look washed across his face, and he confessed that he had to tell me something.
Me: What is it? Are you married?
Him: No
Me: You have a girlfriend.
Him: No
Me: You're engaged?
Him: Nope.
Me: You have a kid!
Him: No way!
Me: Then what is it?
He took a deep breath, slugged down his beer, then told me that he was going through an indictment. The previous New Year's Eve, he got in trouble with the law, and actually came to the city to meet with his lawyer. He currently worked for his dad to earn more money to pay the lawyer's fees. Of course, the courts chose to make an example out of him due to his military background, and the case was simply a misunderstanding they blew out of proportion. While he didn't find it appropriate to tell me on the first date, he "really liked me", and "wanted to be open and honest with [me] about [his] situation". If convicted, he faced jail time for at least five years. If he found not guilty, he would be on probation for a year or two.
I retrieved my jaw from the floor, then turned in my bar stool to face the bar. This was definitely a first, and I needed a second or ten to collect my thoughts. A flood of questions overwhelmed my thoughts, and I started asking for more details while knowing in the back of my mind I needed to get on a train. He answered all of my questions (which checked out with the news articles I found googling his ass on my train ride home), and also admitted that while he did not make the best decisions in the situation, the outcome was not his intent. I probably should have run for the hills upon hearing this announcement, but then I wouldn't have this charming love story to tell. Oh, this was also the point where he earned the new nickname of Convict Andrew. I didn't want to ruin the story for you by putting that in the title.
Ahead of me was a weekend at the beach with a mind full of possibilities to ponder. Luckily, I planned to head to said beach with one of my dearest friends from high school, Lauren. Being a trained psychological professional is one of the many attributes Lauren possesses enabling her to be one of my best friends to rely on in trying situations like this. I filled her in on everything as we soaked up the rays in the sand, and we discussed the pros and cons. The pro column filled up during the first date, and gained momentum during the second. His admission dominated the con column, with his extreme tardiness to boot. People do find themselves involved in serious misunderstandings all the time, and he seemed like a pretty decent guy to start. He easily could have lied about the situation as well. Side note: Lauren also recently started watching Orange is the New Black at the time, so this potentially-being-in-love-with-a-criminal situation was fresh on her mind. Ultimately, I decided to give him another shot.
Grateful that I understood his side of the story, and excited to see me again, he met me at a bar not far from my apartment the following Tuesday after deciding to extend his weekend. We talked some more about his "situation," as he referred to it, and he seemed hopeful to be acquitted. We had a lovely evening again, and he walked me back to my apartment. As most guys do, he tried to come up, but I refused, explaining that maybe the next time he came to town (scheduled for October) he might pass the entryway.
For the next couple of months, we talked nearly every day, but as it turned out, I would be away when he returned to the city. At that point, his conversations about "his situation," and his eagerness to enter the world of finance (with a criminal record...) grew dull. I went on dates with other guys as well, and our conversations halted once I started seeing someone exclusively. We were Facebook friends, so every now and then his name popped up, but direct messaging.
Six months after the last time I saw him, he started texting me again randomly asking how I was, and telling me he would be in the city again soon. I explained to him that I was seeing someone, and would not be able to meet him. A few more months passed, and during a wine night with some girlfriends, I got a text at 2AM saying "hiiiiii". I chose not to respond at all, thinking he would get the point. I week or so passed with no communication. I received another text on a Monday afternoon around 4PM while I left the office saying "hey". I figured I would just ignore the text again since I'd already told him months ago I was not interested, but then a few minutes later i was surprised to receive a dick pic, which he had NEVER previously sent. The following conversation ensued.
Some guys just never take the hint. Even after giving him the AYFKM and GFY, he STILL thought I might want to hang out. I ignored him after that, and am slightly fearful he might pop up (get it?) again soon. Now, I enforce a strict "no scrubs" policy, and have since deleted the app. Don't worry, while there were unfortunately no other convicts (that I know of...), I have some more online dating stories up my sleeve.
Within hours of creating my eHarmony profile, I received a call from an old coworker asking me to come as his guest to an engagement party. It seemed that once I posted my information online, the universe knew I was ready to get back out there, even if that meant just attending an engagement party with a friend. He and I always shared dating stories when we worked together, so when we made our way to the engagement party the following week, I confessed that I signed up for eHarmony. That's when he introduced me to this great new dating app he was using: Tinder. Great, I thought, I just signed up for three months of eHarmony, and NOW I hear about this awesome, free dating app. Sweet. I decided that since I was already in the online dating world at this point (albeit a few days), I should give Tinder a whirl as well. Nothing to lose!
That ish is addicting. As if dating itself wasn't a game before Tinder, the app really brought it to another level. I found myself swiping my days away, and chatting with the guys who reached out to me. Before I knew it, I was heading to the bar to meet my first Tinder date. Not much significant to report for this one. We had a few drinks, and went for dinner in the West Village. While it was a fun night out, there was no chemistry there. He walked me to my subway stop, and we didn't speak much after that.
With my first online dating experience under my belt, I was ready for more. This leads us to the tale of Tinder Andrew (more on this nickname later).
I met Tinder Andrew, shockingly, through Tinder shortly after downloading the app that summer. Our conversations in the app's chat pleasantly surprised me, so we exchanged numbers, then started to make plans to meet. I told him I had prior dinner plans with two of my girlfriends one night, but that we could grab drinks before I met them. He agreed, so we met once I left work.
We hit it off right away. He was a former Marine, and shared the same hometown and birthday with my dad, so this provided ample conversation topics. Before I knew it, I was running late for dinner, and he was trying to hail me a cab. This task proved to be difficult, so he suggested walking toward 6th Avenue to see if there were more cabs there. As we were walking, he grabbed my hand, spun me toward him, and planted one right on my lips. This surprisingly smooth move impressed me, and I gabbed to my friends about him and the date once I got to the restaurant.
He texted me for the rest of the night, and wanted to meet again soon. He was in town visiting his brothers who lived in the city, and was returning to Buffalo at the end of that weekend. I planned to go to my parents' house that weekend, but said I could see him again before I hopped on the train.
Friday came, and we planned to meet at a bar near Penn Station. I didn't see him, so I texted him to let him know I was there. He explained to me that he was running late after a late lunch with his brother downtown, and would be there shortly. I told him not to worry about it, and to take his time. When I said that, I didn't realize that this would result in me waiting at the bar for him for close to 45 minutes. Everyone runs a little late at some point or another, but this was extreme. NYC is not THAT big. I bonded with my fellow bar patrons and the newspaper in front of me as I awaited his arrival, but each passing minute tarnished the great impression lingering from the previous night. Right when I started to accept being stood up, he FINALLY strolled through the door.
He apologized profusely, ordered a beer, and we began chatting. Yet again, our conversation made time fly by exponentially faster than the first 45 minutes I spent in the bar. I told him that I should probably head to the train station soon. A very serious look washed across his face, and he confessed that he had to tell me something.
Me: What is it? Are you married?
Him: No
Me: You have a girlfriend.
Him: No
Me: You're engaged?
Him: Nope.
Me: You have a kid!
Him: No way!
Me: Then what is it?
He took a deep breath, slugged down his beer, then told me that he was going through an indictment. The previous New Year's Eve, he got in trouble with the law, and actually came to the city to meet with his lawyer. He currently worked for his dad to earn more money to pay the lawyer's fees. Of course, the courts chose to make an example out of him due to his military background, and the case was simply a misunderstanding they blew out of proportion. While he didn't find it appropriate to tell me on the first date, he "really liked me", and "wanted to be open and honest with [me] about [his] situation". If convicted, he faced jail time for at least five years. If he found not guilty, he would be on probation for a year or two.
I retrieved my jaw from the floor, then turned in my bar stool to face the bar. This was definitely a first, and I needed a second or ten to collect my thoughts. A flood of questions overwhelmed my thoughts, and I started asking for more details while knowing in the back of my mind I needed to get on a train. He answered all of my questions (which checked out with the news articles I found googling his ass on my train ride home), and also admitted that while he did not make the best decisions in the situation, the outcome was not his intent. I probably should have run for the hills upon hearing this announcement, but then I wouldn't have this charming love story to tell. Oh, this was also the point where he earned the new nickname of Convict Andrew. I didn't want to ruin the story for you by putting that in the title.
Ahead of me was a weekend at the beach with a mind full of possibilities to ponder. Luckily, I planned to head to said beach with one of my dearest friends from high school, Lauren. Being a trained psychological professional is one of the many attributes Lauren possesses enabling her to be one of my best friends to rely on in trying situations like this. I filled her in on everything as we soaked up the rays in the sand, and we discussed the pros and cons. The pro column filled up during the first date, and gained momentum during the second. His admission dominated the con column, with his extreme tardiness to boot. People do find themselves involved in serious misunderstandings all the time, and he seemed like a pretty decent guy to start. He easily could have lied about the situation as well. Side note: Lauren also recently started watching Orange is the New Black at the time, so this potentially-being-in-love-with-a-criminal situation was fresh on her mind. Ultimately, I decided to give him another shot.
Grateful that I understood his side of the story, and excited to see me again, he met me at a bar not far from my apartment the following Tuesday after deciding to extend his weekend. We talked some more about his "situation," as he referred to it, and he seemed hopeful to be acquitted. We had a lovely evening again, and he walked me back to my apartment. As most guys do, he tried to come up, but I refused, explaining that maybe the next time he came to town (scheduled for October) he might pass the entryway.
For the next couple of months, we talked nearly every day, but as it turned out, I would be away when he returned to the city. At that point, his conversations about "his situation," and his eagerness to enter the world of finance (with a criminal record...) grew dull. I went on dates with other guys as well, and our conversations halted once I started seeing someone exclusively. We were Facebook friends, so every now and then his name popped up, but direct messaging.
Six months after the last time I saw him, he started texting me again randomly asking how I was, and telling me he would be in the city again soon. I explained to him that I was seeing someone, and would not be able to meet him. A few more months passed, and during a wine night with some girlfriends, I got a text at 2AM saying "hiiiiii". I chose not to respond at all, thinking he would get the point. I week or so passed with no communication. I received another text on a Monday afternoon around 4PM while I left the office saying "hey". I figured I would just ignore the text again since I'd already told him months ago I was not interested, but then a few minutes later i was surprised to receive a dick pic, which he had NEVER previously sent. The following conversation ensued.
Some guys just never take the hint. Even after giving him the AYFKM and GFY, he STILL thought I might want to hang out. I ignored him after that, and am slightly fearful he might pop up (get it?) again soon. Now, I enforce a strict "no scrubs" policy, and have since deleted the app. Don't worry, while there were unfortunately no other convicts (that I know of...), I have some more online dating stories up my sleeve.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Cue Ball
I met a man while leaving my work holiday party one year who asked for my number almost immediately. We worked for the same company at the time, but not directly together. Despite being 14 years older than me, and much further along his career path than I, he seemed interested, so I gave him my number. From a conference room the next morning, he called me to say how lovely it was to meet me, and asked if I could join him for drinks at a local champagne bar the following week. One of my coworkers saw the two of us chatting before I left the party, and spent that morning trying to dig details about "Cue Ball," as he affectionately nicknamed him, out of me. Leaving the desk to take a call piqued his curiosity, so when I returned, my coworker excitedly inquired, "Was that Cue Ball?!?!"
When Cue Ball and I met the following week, our conversation flowed right along with the champagne, and he suggested continuing it over dinner at the London. Upon sitting down for dinner, he handed me the wine list, suggesting that I order the wine. Big mistake. With my borderline professional boxed-wine drinking skills, and I did not qualify to select the wine for dinner at such a lovely restaurant. Knowing I liked sweet wines, I ordered a $100 bottle of Riesling. Typically, such an overpriced bottle wouldn't earn a second glance (I'm 97% sure that it should be illegal to charge that much for Riesling), but I ordered it anyway. I saw an opportunity, and took it. The wine couldn't hold a candle to the meal we had, but was consumed just as quickly. Afterward, he walked me toward my train station. He gave me a quick peck on the lips before I descended the stairs to the subway, and made his way to West Chester via Grand Central.
Later that night, his texts detailed how much he enjoyed spending the evening with me, and that he was looking forward to seeing me again. This conversations continued via IM the next day, then carried on for several weeks afterward. While he wanted to see me again, he was traveling for business almost every week, and we never made solid plans for round two.
A couple of weekends later, I was out for drinks with my sister and her co-workers on a Saturday for some day drinking. I started chatting with one of her co-worker's wives about work, and I mentioned the name of my company. This woman was familiar with the company I worked for, and knew a few people there.
Colleen: Oh, do you know [Cue Ball]??
Me: I actually do. We don't work directly together, but I know him
Colleen: Well you have to tell him that Colleen said hello, and that we absolutely MUST get together soon to celebrate [his wife]'s birthday. I know they've been busy with the new baby, but we should be able to find a night some time soon to get out! His wife is a real ball buster, ya know? Really great at what she does.
I was in shock. I was absolutely disgusted that I unknowingly went to dinner with a man that was not only married, but recently had a SECOND baby. Colleen and I continued chatting, but I couldn't bring myself to go into any further detail about Cue Ball nor address him at all. The culmination of disgust, embarrassment, and regret rendered me speechless.
Cue Ball continued to reach out to me, but I stopped responding. At the time, I did not call him out on his behavior, and just let him fade away. Years later, I ran into him while out with coworkers. He approached me immediately, flooding me with compliments about how fabulously the yoga was treating me, and informing the group that we had gone for a lovely dinner once. Finally, I was able to acknowledge his lies face-to-face: "Yes, it was a lovely dinner, but you neglected to inform me of your wife, child, and newborn baby who were awaiting your return home." He seemed shocked that I called him out (or even knew now of these facts), and somewhat attempted to apologize while offering to buy me another drink. I ignored him for the rest of the night, and he eventually left. I am certain I was neither the first nor the last girl that he was attempting to woo while wed. I do have faith that Karma and the universe will sort Cue Ball out in some way or another eventually, if they haven't already.
When Cue Ball and I met the following week, our conversation flowed right along with the champagne, and he suggested continuing it over dinner at the London. Upon sitting down for dinner, he handed me the wine list, suggesting that I order the wine. Big mistake. With my borderline professional boxed-wine drinking skills, and I did not qualify to select the wine for dinner at such a lovely restaurant. Knowing I liked sweet wines, I ordered a $100 bottle of Riesling. Typically, such an overpriced bottle wouldn't earn a second glance (I'm 97% sure that it should be illegal to charge that much for Riesling), but I ordered it anyway. I saw an opportunity, and took it. The wine couldn't hold a candle to the meal we had, but was consumed just as quickly. Afterward, he walked me toward my train station. He gave me a quick peck on the lips before I descended the stairs to the subway, and made his way to West Chester via Grand Central.
Later that night, his texts detailed how much he enjoyed spending the evening with me, and that he was looking forward to seeing me again. This conversations continued via IM the next day, then carried on for several weeks afterward. While he wanted to see me again, he was traveling for business almost every week, and we never made solid plans for round two.
A couple of weekends later, I was out for drinks with my sister and her co-workers on a Saturday for some day drinking. I started chatting with one of her co-worker's wives about work, and I mentioned the name of my company. This woman was familiar with the company I worked for, and knew a few people there.
Colleen: Oh, do you know [Cue Ball]??
Me: I actually do. We don't work directly together, but I know him
Colleen: Well you have to tell him that Colleen said hello, and that we absolutely MUST get together soon to celebrate [his wife]'s birthday. I know they've been busy with the new baby, but we should be able to find a night some time soon to get out! His wife is a real ball buster, ya know? Really great at what she does.
I was in shock. I was absolutely disgusted that I unknowingly went to dinner with a man that was not only married, but recently had a SECOND baby. Colleen and I continued chatting, but I couldn't bring myself to go into any further detail about Cue Ball nor address him at all. The culmination of disgust, embarrassment, and regret rendered me speechless.
Cue Ball continued to reach out to me, but I stopped responding. At the time, I did not call him out on his behavior, and just let him fade away. Years later, I ran into him while out with coworkers. He approached me immediately, flooding me with compliments about how fabulously the yoga was treating me, and informing the group that we had gone for a lovely dinner once. Finally, I was able to acknowledge his lies face-to-face: "Yes, it was a lovely dinner, but you neglected to inform me of your wife, child, and newborn baby who were awaiting your return home." He seemed shocked that I called him out (or even knew now of these facts), and somewhat attempted to apologize while offering to buy me another drink. I ignored him for the rest of the night, and he eventually left. I am certain I was neither the first nor the last girl that he was attempting to woo while wed. I do have faith that Karma and the universe will sort Cue Ball out in some way or another eventually, if they haven't already.
I'm lovin' it
One night, a typical Thursday happy hour lasted way longer than the specials, and I found myself ravenous on my way back to my apartment. Because it is on my walk home, and few other places can satify the drunken munchies quite like it, I swung by my local McDonald's. I waited in line for a few minutes until I realized that I was in the midst of making an epic mistake. Five Guys recently opened a half of a block away, and their burgers and fries put Ronald's to shame. I speed walked down the street to purchase a burger with too many toppings and cajun fries just in time to reach the door as the workers closed it in my face. Much to my dismay, it was 11:00PM, and they were now closed. Luckily, the McDonald's near me is open 24 hours a day, so I headed back toward the Golden Arches.
The line at McDonald's at this hour is consistently about 15 people deep. I wasn't the only one that needed a mini late-night feast. Rather than taking my place in the back of the line for the second time that night like any normal person, I felt that my previous time spent waiting in line there had earned me the right to go to the middle of the line. Not straight to the front, of course, since I hadn't been gone for toooo long. Unfortunately, the couple that I decided to stand in front of confronted me, and pointed to the back. I explained to them that I was in that spot earlier, and just stepped out of line for a second. No one in front of or behind me in line would back me up on this fact, so after a few minutes of drunken bickering, Ipretty much screamed declared, "WHATEVER! YOU GUYS ARE ALL FAT!!" and simultaneously ducked out the side door (which must have been installed specifically for these types of dramatic exits) to go back to my apartment. At that point, I had no choice but to make myself a double Boca burger with cheese, and pass out.
The line at McDonald's at this hour is consistently about 15 people deep. I wasn't the only one that needed a mini late-night feast. Rather than taking my place in the back of the line for the second time that night like any normal person, I felt that my previous time spent waiting in line there had earned me the right to go to the middle of the line. Not straight to the front, of course, since I hadn't been gone for toooo long. Unfortunately, the couple that I decided to stand in front of confronted me, and pointed to the back. I explained to them that I was in that spot earlier, and just stepped out of line for a second. No one in front of or behind me in line would back me up on this fact, so after a few minutes of drunken bickering, I
An oldie, but a foodie
July. 1999. My crush's birthday.
Like any other 14 year-old girl spending her summer awaiting freshman year of high school, I logged into AOL late one afternoon to chat with the girlfriends I abandoned the previous summer in Milwaukee. I also wanted to make sure I was online just in case my #1 crush from down the street logged on. We'll call him Chris.
So there I am. Online. Minding my own business. I hear the door opening on my buddy list, and see that Mongoos15 is now in the house. I glance at the clock, and decide I will IM him in 5 minutes. IMing him any earlier than that would make me look far too desperate, obviously. Here's how the conversation went:
LM114: Happy birthday!
Mongoos15: thanx
LM114: how has your day been?
Mongoos15: not bad
LM114: did you get any good presents?
Mongoos15: uhh....chok cake
LM114: oh cool, I love chocolate cake
***conversation continues, then dies off***
Hmmmm chocolate cake. While delicious, I thought it was a little weird that of all things, he was telling me about the cake. My excitement drowned out any logic, though, and I didn't give the response much thought. Like most girls I knew then, I saved the conversation in an e-mail so I could show my sister, and any of my girlfriends that weren't online at the time later.
Within an hour, I showed my sister the conversation. It wasn't until this point in my life that I realized how dangerously close the "F" and "G" buttons are on a standard keyboard. Instead of asking my crush if he received any GOOD presents for his birthday, I had actually asked him if he got any FOOD presents. The horror of this realization was only exemplified by the fact that being nearly 5'6", I was weighing in at about 200lbs despite my attempts to go to Weight Watchers with my mom. So my 14 year-old prior fat self had just asked my biggest crush if he got any food for his birthday. As if I was hungry, and needed some. As if SO many types of presents are given on birthdays, I only needed to know about the food situation. I can only imagine what he was thinking at this moment, but since I probably appeared like an abnormally hungry person to begin with, asking about cake certainly did not help my efforts to win him over.
Tragically embarassing at the time. Endlessly amusing since.
Like any other 14 year-old girl spending her summer awaiting freshman year of high school, I logged into AOL late one afternoon to chat with the girlfriends I abandoned the previous summer in Milwaukee. I also wanted to make sure I was online just in case my #1 crush from down the street logged on. We'll call him Chris.
So there I am. Online. Minding my own business. I hear the door opening on my buddy list, and see that Mongoos15 is now in the house. I glance at the clock, and decide I will IM him in 5 minutes. IMing him any earlier than that would make me look far too desperate, obviously. Here's how the conversation went:
LM114: Happy birthday!
Mongoos15: thanx
LM114: how has your day been?
Mongoos15: not bad
LM114: did you get any good presents?
Mongoos15: uhh....chok cake
LM114: oh cool, I love chocolate cake
***conversation continues, then dies off***
Hmmmm chocolate cake. While delicious, I thought it was a little weird that of all things, he was telling me about the cake. My excitement drowned out any logic, though, and I didn't give the response much thought. Like most girls I knew then, I saved the conversation in an e-mail so I could show my sister, and any of my girlfriends that weren't online at the time later.
Within an hour, I showed my sister the conversation. It wasn't until this point in my life that I realized how dangerously close the "F" and "G" buttons are on a standard keyboard. Instead of asking my crush if he received any GOOD presents for his birthday, I had actually asked him if he got any FOOD presents. The horror of this realization was only exemplified by the fact that being nearly 5'6", I was weighing in at about 200lbs despite my attempts to go to Weight Watchers with my mom. So my 14 year-old prior fat self had just asked my biggest crush if he got any food for his birthday. As if I was hungry, and needed some. As if SO many types of presents are given on birthdays, I only needed to know about the food situation. I can only imagine what he was thinking at this moment, but since I probably appeared like an abnormally hungry person to begin with, asking about cake certainly did not help my efforts to win him over.
Tragically embarassing at the time. Endlessly amusing since.
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